Nude Nuns with Big Guns: What the Hell Did I Just Watch?

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 naked nuns covered in cocaine

You know, there is a reason we call this column “What the Hell Did I Just Watch?” … and that was exactly my sentiment after viewing this particular film suggested by a reader: Nude Nuns with Big Guns. Yes, I'm serious. The title alone makes you wonder what you are getting yourself into by watching the film, but what does Nude Nuns with Big Guns offer, and does it live up to its name?

In short, the answers to those questions are excess and absolutely. Allow me to explain.

Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2010) promotes itself as a post-grindhouse exploitation movie, and it is exactly that. The film has a Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino feel to it, complete with the over-the-top antics of one of Tarintino’s spaghetti-style westerns, and its plot is pretty basic for a revenge/exploitation movie: A mentally abused nun is taken captive, made a prostitute, and then left for dead.

Finding new life, our vigilante nun receives a call from God to create a Holy War to take out all the nasty drug dealers and sinners—and good for her, because when I say the bad guys in this film are literally the scum of the earth, I truly mean it. You’ll have no qualms about seeing these dirtbags get what’s coming to them. 

Nude Nuns with Big Guns is directed by Joseph Guzman (Run! Bitch Run!, Back Alley Butcher) and has quite an interesting cast of characters. First, there is our vigilante nun, Sister Sarah, played by Asun Ortega (Diamond Dawgs). Second, there's our sleazy, heartless antagonist, Chavo (David Castro, of The Lincoln Lawyer); I also have to mention Father Carlito (Perry D’Marco, of Interceptor Force), who is one of the numerous corrupt clergy in the film. And last but not least, we have everyone’s favorite henchman, Kick-Stand (Xango Henry, of How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse). 

Now, let’s talk about the film itself. I want to start off by saying, if you are offended by nudity then skip this film because there is a ton of it in there. Second, if you are triggered by rape, skip this film. And the henchman Kick-Stand? You know how some gangs have the dude who always roughs people up? That’s Kick-Stand. Except he doesn’t rough women up; he rapes them. And I’ll just let you put the pieces together as to why they call him Kick-Stand. Finally, if watching a movie that portrays clergy in a bad light gets to you, skip this movie. The priests and nuns in Nude Nuns with Big Guns are as corrupt as they come. 

In fact, the sex, nudity, and rape in Nude Nuns with Big Guns is so overdone, it gets old and boring fast. There was one point in the middle of the movie where I zoned out and started doing other things because every time I looked up, it was like, “Gee, nudity again. Gee, sex again. Oh look, another rape scene. What a shocker.” Worried I had missed something, I went back and rewatched the movie; lo and behold, guess what? Nope, I didn’t miss a damn thing important to the plotline. 

You might be sitting there thinking, “Well, Zeke, are there any good parts in Nude Nuns with Big Guns”? And the answer is yes, there are: the first twenty minutes and the last twenty minutes—both of which I really enjoyed.

There are a couple of good scenes scattered throughout the middle of the movie, but for the most part, the center portion of Nude Nuns with Big Guns drags along with way too much sex, nudity, and rape as tools to carry its story--it does not work. However, there are some truly hilarious interactions between characters, and we get some of those great, over-the-top scenes of violence we’ve all come to love thanks to grindhouse movies. Director Joseph Guzman does a solid job with accurately capturing the grindhouse feel, as some of the kills in the movie are top notch.

The actors also did a great job at portraying their characters, and, oddly enough for a low budget film, taking their roles super seriously. That being said, those pluses still weren’t enough to carry Nude Nuns with Big Guns into B-movie greatness. 

I had such high hopes for Nude Nuns with Big Guns--I mean, who wouldn’t with a title like that! But at the end of the day, with the overkill of sex, nudity, and rape, it comes off as lazy filmmaking. All in all, Zeke gives this post-grindhouse film 2.5 out of 5 naked nuns covered in cocaine. 

You can find Nude Nuns with Big Guns streaming on Tubi for free, and to rent on Prime Video, Vudu, YouTube, Apple TV, and Google Play. 

Ezekiel Kincaid lives for horror and loves to watch it, write about, and talk about it, whether that be in his own novels or in reviews. His experience as both a pastor and a paranormal investigator bring everything he writes to life. Do you have a recommendation for Zeke to watch? Send it to mixedalternativemag@gmail.com!