Dear God No!: What the Hell Did I Just Watch?

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Kool-Aid pitchers full of fake blood

Welcome back, boys and girls, to another column from your dear ole Uncle Zeke. This is the place where I subject myself to the absolute worst cinema has to offer, and this week’s review is no different. Today, I want to talk to you about a little action-horror gem from 2011 called Dear God No!.

There are three things you need to know about Dear God No! First, it's one of those movies that is so bad, it’s good. Second, don’t expect an intricate plot or for things to make sense; they won’t. I review B movies, remember? And third, Dear God No! is a grindhouse/exploitation film extraordinaire.

A few words of caution for sensitive viewers, though: While the violence is totally unrealistic, it is rather brutal and not for everyone. Expect some nudity and a few rape scenes–-one of which involves a pregnant lady. I’ll spare any details, but I digress. Let’s kick this off by talking about Dear God No’s extremely complicated plot.

Basically, what we have is a creature feature, biker gang, and mad scientist movie all rolled into one. A bigfoot-like creature is on the prowl, an unsuspecting biker gang pulls a home invasion on a psychotic, Nazi anthropologist and his family, then all hell breaks loose … and that’s it. That’s the plot in its entirety–-nothing tied together, just random shit going down. I hope you were able to keep up and all this complication isn’t going over your head.

This fine piece of filmmaking was directed by James Bickert, whose name should be familiar to all you B-movie enthusiasts. He directed deep, philosophical masterpieces such as Frankenstein Created Bikers (2016) and Amazon Hot Box (2018). Oscar contenders they were not.

Dear God No! stars Jett Bryant (Frankenstein Created Bikers) as Jett, who plays the lead biker. You can tell a lot of effort went into coming up with the character's name. He actually looks a lot like me if I had a longer beard, so right off the bat, Dear God No! automatically gets an extra star for that.

Director James Bickert stars in Dear God No! as well, playing the part of Jimbo, aka Rusty Stache, one of the gang members. Our mad Nazi scientist, Dr. Marco, is played by Paul McComiskey, who was also in … anyone want to guess? Yep, Frankenstein Created Bikers. The lead female roles are played by Madeline Brumby (Frankenstein Created Bikers, where she plays the same character) as Edna Marco, daughter of the psychotic Dr. Marco, then there’s Olivia Croix (Dear God No! is her only film) starring as the other daughter, Evelyn Marco. Finally, Rachelle Lynn (The Taken) plays Laura, our unfortunately assaulted pregnant victim.

Let’s now proceed to my thoughts about this film, shall we?

If you look up Dear God No! on IMDb, you’ll see that it is rated a whopping 3.9 out of 10 stars. If you read the reviews, you’ll find that they are somewhat divided. Many of the bad reviews chide this film for not being “true grindhouse,” whatever that means. Yet, after viewing this film, I have to sit and wonder, have these folks ever watched a real grindhouse movie at all?

Dear God No! NAILS it when it comes to taking us back to the days of true grindhouse and 70’s exploitation movies: bad acting, stupid plot, terrible dialogue, jump cuts, monster suits, and awful special effects. Don’t go into this expecting Machete or Planet Terror. In Dear God No!, the blood is watered down so much that it looks like red Kool-Aid at times, and the blood flow from several of the victims leaks out nowhere near the wound. The film is also shot on 16mm film so all the effects are practical, meaning no CGI in this one, which is a huge plus in my book.

What makes Dear God No! different from most of the throwback grindhouse films out there? Simple: It is pure, unadulterated ugliness. It is a bad seed, totally from another planet, and is in a league all by itself. Literally everything about this movie is brutal and mean-spirited and features no redeeming qualities in the characters of the biker gang. They aren’t heroes, and they aren’t villains. They are a category of vileness all to themselves. They are filthy-mouthed murderers and rapists, plain and simple. Don’t believe me? Wait until you see what they do to the pregnant lady.

With all this being said, Dear God No! Is the closest thing out there in modern film that truly captures the grindhouse feel of the 1970s. If you’re a connoisseur of trashy B movies, this one is definitely for you.

Dear God No! Is currently streaming on Tubi, Vudu, Amazon Prime, The Roku Channel, YouTube Premium, and Apple TV.

Ezekiel Kincaid lives for horror and loves to watch it, write about, and talk about it, whether that be in his own novels or in reviews. His experience as both a pastor and a paranormal investigator bring everything he writes to life. Do you have a recommendation for Zeke to watch? Send it to mixedalternativemag@gmail.com!